Movement

The future lurches at me and sometimes I’m unsure of my way. There are times though that it feels like something steadies my rudder and it all feels better somehow. I think I’ve been in a state of depression the past few days. I know this territory. It is familiar ground. When people decide to have kids I swear they should ask, ‘Do you have a family history of depression?’ My grandmother is seemingly the strongest of us. She isn’t. She just manages to force her depression into a box and deal with life in what she feels is a head on manner, placing her emotional needs into a void of her own meticulous design. Funny, women of her generation do not conceptualize these ‘modern needs’ for ‘talking it out’. Talk it out? Fuck that. She’ll be 80 years old on the 20th of this month. One could only hope to be as mentally clear and physically sound even at the age of 60. It's the emotional deterioration that is most troubling.

The breakdown to my depression is in response to at least two factors. I miss my family. Being banished for having a different religious belief system is painful. I am caught between what is most important, my integrity and principles and a need for my family. The closeness, the condition-less love, the history… I crave it and yet it is absent for me. I can see how people become alcoholics. There are times when being in a haze even for a short time has its appeals. I just can’t be that man. So I face the storm and it batters the hell out of me.

The second factor begins here: It’s going to snow soon. I’m expecting blizzard like conditions. That disturbs the hell out of me since my car is not really meant for snow and my defroster is out. I’d really like to get that fixed but to do so almost makes me feel like I’m giving in. My goal of doing a wholesale real estate deal by months end gets me out of bed in the morning. The idea that money buys happiness is a myth. But having a bit more of it would surely solve some of the more immediate problems and elevate my struggling status at least one notch. I'd like that. I need that.

I'm realizing that this is a rant/ramble but I feel better now like a good old fashioned bowel movement.

Flush.