Family

I was reviewing some old emails between an ex girlfriend and myself. I started with the last one, the nastiest things she'd ever said to me and I made my way backward to the nicest. I found it cathartic and honestly a bit sad. I see this woman who I cared for in a bad situation. It was this bad situation that made me move to Colorado. It made me ignore my better instincts to wait until I had enough money to get my own place. It made me buy a house full of things that she needed. It made me sacrifice sleep to take care of her children at night while she worked. It made me stay when I was the least happy I've been in a long time. It made me think of committing a crime when I discovered that she'd been cheating on me with her ex.

I see this wounded and scared person who acted out of fear that I'd end the relationship acting out toward me. Its funny. I don't think that I would have left her no matter how unhappy I was. I would have stayed because I promised. I promised to help. I promised to care. And what is a man without his testicles or his word? I miss her children. I miss them so much. I miss folding laundry, eating dinner together, waking up next to her. Mind you it isn't the person that I miss. I don't miss her. I miss the semblance of family. I miss the illusion that I could count on someone. I miss the idea that I was having an impact on children. Family anymore is not so much what we are born with but what we make after that birth. And it is the thing that drains me the most yet at the same time it is what fills me to the brim and it is what I am sorely lacking and sorely missing. The evidence of that is that I have to force myself to steer clear of her side of town for fear that I would happily attempt to drink down the very poison that nearly killed me before.